Wednesday, March 3, 2010
...and their adopted son.
ok so mostly I vent, discuss, share on here but I truely am looking for feed back on this please. My sister in law posted a picture on line (without my permission - which I didnt like to begin with, but it gets worse) of me, my husband and our son. Well on the caption she put, my brother , his wife and their adopted son. I was and am furious. But am calming down, I dont want to say much on how I feel, I truely want some honest feedback and some advice on what to do and how to handle this. real quick background, info, her and I are not very close, do not communicate often, kinda just tolerate each other but I am pretty pretty sure she would know this would bother me! ughhhh
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14 comments:
I can see why you would be upset. I don't see a need to write and "their adopted son" No more do I see a reason to list my children as "my biological children" Adopted or biological they are "our children" I really don't have any advice.
Seriously? Grrrr....I'd say something. That is his AUNT saying that! She should know better, and if she doesn't then someone needs to tell her. So he's her adopted nephew? Nice.
I would definitely say something to her as she obviously needs to be educated that this is not acceptable to say!
there is no need for the "adopted" to be included on a public website. Although he his, he's your son just the same. It's not as if you would post a picture of them and put sister in law, brother and their "biological" son. Tell her kindly that he's your son and he doesn't need to be introduced as your adopted son.
Good luck.
My thoughts are identical to what the others have posted - she wouldn't have said "biological son" if that had been the case. It'd ridiculous to add "adopted." Oi vey!!!
As an adoptive parent, I bristle at it, too. But as a Christian, I have learned to not be so contentious about it. So I would not go at her over it, but sometime soon find a way to bring it up casually. And try to mask the fact that your blood pressure is rising while you have that conversation. She just needs a little education about adoption and terminology, not a scolding.
I have learned that more times than not it happens as a result of ignorance, not meanness or judgement. In fact, even more than ignorance it's that people find adoption quite novel and interesting, so sometimes they spout off about people's adoption's they they know personally as if it is their own merit badge. People just do stuff like that without thinking.
Try to give her the benefit of the doubt, discuss calmly and in love, so that your sweet baby boy is not at the center of an argument about insecurity, ignorance, or whatever unfriendly history you and your sister have that makes your trigger so easily set off at her.
I would be upset too...I would lovingly tell her that you'd like her to ask permission to post pictures of your family, publicly (I ALWAYS ask before posting pictures of other people - it is a normal, common courtesy!) and that you would like for her to refer to brother bear as your son. I would try to explain how "Adopted" singles him out in a way that is not healthy...just as I wouldn't call Ty my "Hispanic" son.
Adopted or not, labeling children is dangerous and hurtful. We should all avoid it.
You know, this bugged the snot out of me when SSC's daughter died so tragically... I still will hear her referred to as their "adopted daughter." What the heck?! She's their DAUGHTER, plain and simple! It makes it sound as though they shouldn't be as grieved or something... sick!!!
I guess you could respond by labeling her in some way that might be sensitive so she gets the point... "ignorant aunt" is the only one I can come up with not knowing her... but that probably wouldn't be very nice, huh?! :)
I'd be mad enough to spit nails, too, but I've found that when family members say things off the cuff that come out all wrong, I need to step away until I calm down enough to speak rationally. I would definitely say something when you're calm enough to not bite her head off... tempting as it may be! *wink*
thanks everyone. I have actually taken some time on this and tried really hard, but for some reason it bothers me just as much today as it did a month ago, that why I asked for advice to just get some perspective, I truely know people that say things out of ignornace adn it comes out wrong, but this just sems double ignorant to me, I really need to pray more about this. thanks again
Speak the truth in love.
I think sometimes as Christians we forget the truth part, and think we need to be "nice", meaning completely non-confrontational.
I think this is an important issue. Imagine how hurtful it will be to ds if it continues. I cannot imagine my family saying that. It may be coming from a place of ignorance, but it has the potential to be extremely hurtful none the less.
I'm sure you can find a way to discuss it with integrity. :)
So are you ashamed of your son's adoption? You introduce him in your bio as coming to you via adoption, so why is it such a big deal if someone else says the same thing.
The more blogs I read from the adoption community, the worse adoption looks to me. Adoptive parents seem to sit poised ready to bite people's heads off about it in the name of, i don't know, political correctness about it.
Lighten up already. Unless you believe her to be meaning to offend or ostracize or insult, just let it go.
oh anon, come on--seriously? first, I do for sure think she meant it to single him out and be hurtful, i am not ashamed that my son is adopted, I do however feel like that it should not come before his introduction to other people, if you notice i do not use real names in my blog, and if you cou;d tell me one purpose it serves for her to introduce him that way, I might think differently, like on my blog the whole point is to blog from an adoptive parent stand point, so that is why I say my children were adopted, but I do respect your point of view thanks for sharing, even if it was anon.
...or you could post a picture of them with their children and the caption "and their biological children".
No?
Seems like your sister needs a little education. I gave my parents a book on adoption and am crossing my fingers that helps a little bit. We'll see. You could also point out that calling him your "adopted son" implies something negative, i.e."not normal".
Anonymous is a moron.
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