Tuesday, June 22, 2010
different world
One thing I find interesting being an adoptive mom is that my almost four year old, truely has no concept of pregancy or baby coming from mommies belly. We had decided not to tell her for a little bit, but ofcourse she is hearing the talk and truely she just dont get it, when she got a brother, we got in a car, drove to a office and picked him up. So this whole baby in my tummy thing is gonna be very different for us as parents and for my kids. Anyone with experience or advice please feel free to share! :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Welcome!!!! IComLeavWe: June 2010
Just a quick hello from any ICLW visitors! I am a 38 year old mommie to two wonderful kids, one that is almost 4 that came to us through open domestic adoption and one that is two that is closed domestic adoption, and just got shocked last week and found out we are pregnant, after 8 years of infertility, so welcome to my blog and thanks for stoping by!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
after about 8 years.....
I never really thought I would be making this post. I m still kinda scared to say it, but my blog is always been kind of a safe place from my reality in so many ways, but I am pregnant!!! whew, there I said it! I was late on Monday and as usual because I am on a med that I cant take if I am preggo, I go grab a test from the store just to see negative like thousands of time before, just to tell myself it is ok and well two dark lines appear, I was and still am in shock! So went to doc and did blood work that confirmed preggo, and now go back Monday for - well I dont know I guess my first pre-nat visit, we are about 5 weeks is my guess, so anyway, I just had to share with someone! Please throw all the good vibes you have this way!! and good , bad or ugly I'll keep ya posted! :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
wow its been too long
too long since I posted!! gotta catch up! been crazy around the bear house! we have had a death in the family, daddy in the hospital and best of all a birthday!! brother bear was just turned two!!! will post a couple of pics and cant wait to catch up on my reading!!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Not sure how to feel, or what to say...
Today is a day I am glad I have a place to come to , where I really do not know any of you in my real life and I can just express! Yesterday was my husbands 38th birthday, him and I went to a movie last night and on the way home we were talking and teasing about 40 being around the corner, and he said, I still hate that we could not have kids of our own. Hubby not being the best with words, and I know that, I just got quite, he said well you know what I mean, not our own, but bio children, out of my genes. Well I just didnt know how to feel, really, in a way I thought we were past this, in a way I felt like Me as the Woman was only suppose to grieve this (how dare him) and then I felt like I had to defend our kids, like "hey buddy, they arent enough for you?" Now I need a swift kick, so anyone out there feel free please to give it to me, because if this would have been a friend, or woman I had known that had gone through infertility, I would have reacted much different!!! So I still am puzzled and kinda left wondering today, why I reacted the way I did? any thoughts?
Monday, March 29, 2010
New Favorite Comment!
So as an adoptive mom, I thought I had heard all of the stupid comments one could make, untill the other day. Someone that knows me and my family , that I have two children a boy and a girl but she did not know that they were adopted and we were talking about something medical and she asked if it ran in the family, I told her we were not sure because brother bear had been adopted, and she said, so him and baby bear are not brother and sister? I kinda just looked at her and said , uh yes they are brother and sister, she has been his sister since we brought him home and they always will be. and she was like, oh ok. and as usual I am left thinking... did they really just ask me that?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project
I am very excited to be invloved in this project with many other bloggers! I got the great experience of getting to know a fellow blogger on a personal level! The blogger I was paired with is Brown, a mom of two girls, one of which was placed for adoption 18 years ago, she is a wonderful person that has many perspectives on adoption and a great sense of humor, I really encourage you to check out her blog at
http://secretbmom.blogspot.com/, and my interview amswers will be posted on her blog. Also for a list of all the other bloggers that participated you can go here
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2010/03/interview-project-march-2010.html
Here is my guestions and her answers! Enjoy....
1. You seem to have had a mixture of levels of openess with the adoptive family, how did this come about, did you find any one that worked best for your situation and how do you think it will effect future relationship with your daughter?
The change in openness just evolved over time, just not in the forward way it usually does :) Since we went the private route, we were kind of making it up as we go along. It was the adoptive mom that offered to keep in touch post placement, and for the first 2 years we were fully open minus visits due to distance. Then I got worried that I wasn't doing the right thing by letting them live their lives so I lost touch for 12 years. What made me want to get back in touch was a combination of my ex wanting to connect, time, and having a niece the same age as my daughter made me curious. I contiplated it for over a year and a half, and what finally made me jump off the cliff so to speak was when I googled the adoptive parents last name for an address, and found my 14 year old daughter's myspace page that announced she wanted to meet "her real parents". I wrote my daughter's adoptive mom (didn't tell her what I found, could you imagine!) and she responded by saying M was too young and not ready, but we could keep in touch. And for the past 4 years, we've been semi open with pics and e-mails but no visits or direct contact. But we've always had full disclosure of names, addresses, phone numbers, and the like.
Looking back I personally thought open was the best way to go, especially seeing my daughter's desire to know me at some point in her life. Open would have forced me to confess to my family that I had a child, would have forced all of us to be more open and accepting and loving of eachother. It would have provided the medical information that M needed as a child. I've always been an advocate of more openness, in my situation and in most situation's that I've seen.
I hope that M will understand that I didn't mean to close the adoption, but that I was young and back in the early 90's, there was no widely known model for OA. That I came back and was consistant and present, even if she didn't know it.
2.Your daughter you placed is almost 18, what are your emotions or how are you feeling about this?
It's surreal. A mixture of shock that it's been that long, since it seems like yesterday. Disbelief that she's off to college and becoming a woman. Pride that she's off to college and becoming a woman. Sad that her childhood is over and I wasn't there. Happy that she and I can have a relationship as adults.
3. What is your relationship like with adoptive mom and what advice would you give me as an adoptive mom in an open and closed adoption?
Right now our relationship is good. There is a lot of love and respect for eachother, and for M, and I think that's what keeps us working at it. I think our fears had a lot to do with the bumps in the road that we have experienced, but as we've gotten reaquainted over the years, our relationship has gotten much better.
Advice? Aside from always act love with an open heart and mind, remember that each persons journey is different and that includes your DD's open adoption and your DS's closed one. Some of the roadblocks we have encountered were due in part because my daughter is the only one of her children (all adopted) who has openness with their adoption, and in a way I feel like she couldn't seperate that from the other adoptions that are closed and likely to remain so due to their individual circumstances.
4. Has the pregnancy and birth of your youngest daughter brought up memories of your first daughter?
Not as much as I thought it would. I think that's because the circumstances were so different, being 17 and unmarried and pregnant and being 36 and planning a family with my husband. But I couldn't help but compare the two either, and I really made a point to take it all in and enjoy it with my youngest DD. I know what it's like not to have those moments, so it makes me cherish them even more.
5. Is there any contact with the birthfather on anyones part?
I have had quite a rocky road with B over the years, and we essentially lost touch 4 years ago after a falling out over him contacting M underage and behind her parents back. It's something I still struggle with. M's adoptive parents have not heard from him since then either.
6. Do you feel like there is such a thing as being too open, in open adoptions?
Not really. I mean I always had full disclosure: names, addresses, phone numbers etc. I think when you have to censor yourself, then you have to question why. Open adoptions take a lot of trust and faith, and it's hard to trust when there isn't full disclosure. If you can have a kind of relationship where you can even discuss fear openly and honestly, then that to me would be the ultimate!
Having said that, I do think that there is a TMI aspect, like I really don't want to know intimate details, if you know what I mean!!!
7. How does your husband feel about your the placement of your first daughter and a reunion .
I waited a year to tell my husband about M, because the subject just never came up. I was not in contact with the family at the time, and I wasn't sure where the relationship was headed. He just supports me, he has said it's my relationship and he feels he has no right to make demands or have a say in how I conduct the relationship. Which I love. As far as reunion, I haven't really talked much about it until I know that it's really going to happen, but he knows that I am interested in having a relationship with M and supports it.
8. How do you feel the adoption industry has changed or evolved over the past 18 years?
When I placed, OA was in it's infancy so to speak. From what I've read, more people started choosing OA in the late 80's early 90's. Since I didn't go through an agency, I can't really say whether or not it was because it's pushed as a marketing tool or not, but I feel like that is the case now.
9. What do you feel are the pros and cons of open adoption?
The pro's of OA? Defintely knowing on all sides of the triad. Knowing that my daughter is healthy and happy, and her family knowing I am healthy and happy. Being able to have access to medical history. But more importantly, having access to love on all sides. My daughter will always know who I am without having to search, and even though she will experience reunion because the adoption was not open to contact, she'll always know I was there.
I'm not sure that there are any cons to OA from my point of view. I think of OA as creating an extended family. Visits, calls, exchanging pics, all those things aren't a chore when you create a loving extended family. There are no cons to knowledge. As my daughter's mom told me when she offered to be in touch: a child can never have too many people who love them in their lives. Nuff said :)
10. I really need you to be honest about this one... which Golden Girl can you most relate to and why? lol, you started it with the 80's song - which btw you know being 38 myself, I'm all about the 80's!!!!!
Blanche!!! Totally a bit vain and self centered, and if heaven forbid I'm single in my Golden years, I'd be quite a cougar too :)
http://secretbmom.blogspot.com/, and my interview amswers will be posted on her blog. Also for a list of all the other bloggers that participated you can go here
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2010/03/interview-project-march-2010.html
Here is my guestions and her answers! Enjoy....
1. You seem to have had a mixture of levels of openess with the adoptive family, how did this come about, did you find any one that worked best for your situation and how do you think it will effect future relationship with your daughter?
The change in openness just evolved over time, just not in the forward way it usually does :) Since we went the private route, we were kind of making it up as we go along. It was the adoptive mom that offered to keep in touch post placement, and for the first 2 years we were fully open minus visits due to distance. Then I got worried that I wasn't doing the right thing by letting them live their lives so I lost touch for 12 years. What made me want to get back in touch was a combination of my ex wanting to connect, time, and having a niece the same age as my daughter made me curious. I contiplated it for over a year and a half, and what finally made me jump off the cliff so to speak was when I googled the adoptive parents last name for an address, and found my 14 year old daughter's myspace page that announced she wanted to meet "her real parents". I wrote my daughter's adoptive mom (didn't tell her what I found, could you imagine!) and she responded by saying M was too young and not ready, but we could keep in touch. And for the past 4 years, we've been semi open with pics and e-mails but no visits or direct contact. But we've always had full disclosure of names, addresses, phone numbers, and the like.
Looking back I personally thought open was the best way to go, especially seeing my daughter's desire to know me at some point in her life. Open would have forced me to confess to my family that I had a child, would have forced all of us to be more open and accepting and loving of eachother. It would have provided the medical information that M needed as a child. I've always been an advocate of more openness, in my situation and in most situation's that I've seen.
I hope that M will understand that I didn't mean to close the adoption, but that I was young and back in the early 90's, there was no widely known model for OA. That I came back and was consistant and present, even if she didn't know it.
2.Your daughter you placed is almost 18, what are your emotions or how are you feeling about this?
It's surreal. A mixture of shock that it's been that long, since it seems like yesterday. Disbelief that she's off to college and becoming a woman. Pride that she's off to college and becoming a woman. Sad that her childhood is over and I wasn't there. Happy that she and I can have a relationship as adults.
3. What is your relationship like with adoptive mom and what advice would you give me as an adoptive mom in an open and closed adoption?
Right now our relationship is good. There is a lot of love and respect for eachother, and for M, and I think that's what keeps us working at it. I think our fears had a lot to do with the bumps in the road that we have experienced, but as we've gotten reaquainted over the years, our relationship has gotten much better.
Advice? Aside from always act love with an open heart and mind, remember that each persons journey is different and that includes your DD's open adoption and your DS's closed one. Some of the roadblocks we have encountered were due in part because my daughter is the only one of her children (all adopted) who has openness with their adoption, and in a way I feel like she couldn't seperate that from the other adoptions that are closed and likely to remain so due to their individual circumstances.
4. Has the pregnancy and birth of your youngest daughter brought up memories of your first daughter?
Not as much as I thought it would. I think that's because the circumstances were so different, being 17 and unmarried and pregnant and being 36 and planning a family with my husband. But I couldn't help but compare the two either, and I really made a point to take it all in and enjoy it with my youngest DD. I know what it's like not to have those moments, so it makes me cherish them even more.
5. Is there any contact with the birthfather on anyones part?
I have had quite a rocky road with B over the years, and we essentially lost touch 4 years ago after a falling out over him contacting M underage and behind her parents back. It's something I still struggle with. M's adoptive parents have not heard from him since then either.
6. Do you feel like there is such a thing as being too open, in open adoptions?
Not really. I mean I always had full disclosure: names, addresses, phone numbers etc. I think when you have to censor yourself, then you have to question why. Open adoptions take a lot of trust and faith, and it's hard to trust when there isn't full disclosure. If you can have a kind of relationship where you can even discuss fear openly and honestly, then that to me would be the ultimate!
Having said that, I do think that there is a TMI aspect, like I really don't want to know intimate details, if you know what I mean!!!
7. How does your husband feel about your the placement of your first daughter and a reunion .
I waited a year to tell my husband about M, because the subject just never came up. I was not in contact with the family at the time, and I wasn't sure where the relationship was headed. He just supports me, he has said it's my relationship and he feels he has no right to make demands or have a say in how I conduct the relationship. Which I love. As far as reunion, I haven't really talked much about it until I know that it's really going to happen, but he knows that I am interested in having a relationship with M and supports it.
8. How do you feel the adoption industry has changed or evolved over the past 18 years?
When I placed, OA was in it's infancy so to speak. From what I've read, more people started choosing OA in the late 80's early 90's. Since I didn't go through an agency, I can't really say whether or not it was because it's pushed as a marketing tool or not, but I feel like that is the case now.
9. What do you feel are the pros and cons of open adoption?
The pro's of OA? Defintely knowing on all sides of the triad. Knowing that my daughter is healthy and happy, and her family knowing I am healthy and happy. Being able to have access to medical history. But more importantly, having access to love on all sides. My daughter will always know who I am without having to search, and even though she will experience reunion because the adoption was not open to contact, she'll always know I was there.
I'm not sure that there are any cons to OA from my point of view. I think of OA as creating an extended family. Visits, calls, exchanging pics, all those things aren't a chore when you create a loving extended family. There are no cons to knowledge. As my daughter's mom told me when she offered to be in touch: a child can never have too many people who love them in their lives. Nuff said :)
10. I really need you to be honest about this one... which Golden Girl can you most relate to and why? lol, you started it with the 80's song - which btw you know being 38 myself, I'm all about the 80's!!!!!
Blanche!!! Totally a bit vain and self centered, and if heaven forbid I'm single in my Golden years, I'd be quite a cougar too :)
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