So lately I have really been thinking about the loss an adoptee faces. It happened when I was having a conversation with someone about their boyfriend that was adopted, he is now 35 ish and we were discussing loss. I can really really see how the loss an adoptee has is so overlooked! I think when a child losses their mom and dad to death the child's loss is acknowledged and sympathized with but when a child losses their family to adoption it is not even seen because there is this mom and dad that are "perfect" and childless (in some cases) and they want this baby so bad and love them so much and this child is so "lucky" to have this that the fact that that baby just lost its mommy and daddy regardless of the reason is not even a factor and that baby has a loss that in some cases is never acknowledged. I was specifically talking to someone about brother bear and I told them that I always want him to know that i am sad that he lost his mommy and that she could not or felt she could not keep him, and that i love him so much and am so happy to be his mommy and will be forever but it is ok for him to miss his other mommy and wonder about her, and this person thought I was nuts! They were like, but he has a mommy and he has always had you, he did not lose anything, he did not know his birth mom- you are his mom. OK, true- heck yeah I am his mom, but his and my reality is that I did not conceive and carry and birth him, his ancestors and mine are NOT the same, we do not share genetics and he lost all that when she walked out of the hospital without him and he lost the only mommy he knew to that point and did he know that- Heck yeah he knew his mommy was not there! Heck yeah he knew he did not smell her and hear her voice and taste her milk and feel her touch. I asked this mom if she felt like her son knew her at birth and she said of course, and I think started to think about it a little more.
Sometimes I think people feel like they have to validate me as a mom by telling me these things, but hey its not about my validation its about my child and its about seeing the loss they had and letting it be , just be, I am not sure how much it will effect my children, but I know one thing for sure is that I will acknowledge it with them and make sure they know that it is OK for them to feel that loss and that it will not make me feel less of a mom in anyway, even though I would not change my life for anything or my family, its not a perfect way to have a family it does go against nature in a way, my kids lost their family and it is something we will deal with together.
12 comments:
I think people have a hard time grasping that we adoptive parents are 100% parents, but we're still not replacements for our kids' first parents. It's like they see just one parental slot and it's either filled by us or filled by the birth parents. But there's room and need for both kinds of parents in their lives.
yeah what Heather said! I am really and sadly enough just starting to really get all this together in my head - so my thoughts kinda come out jumbled, but I do think there is room need like Heather said.
You and Heather said it perfectly and beautifully. What a wonderful post!
I think it's wonderful that you are going to acknowledge this loss for your kids. You must be an awesome mom.
Thanks for the comment on my page!
I love this post, it pretty much encapsulates everything I've felt since we brought Charlie home.
People tell me all the time that he will be grateful to have us - his forever family, and he won't think about his other mother/family that much. But just as you said, that is them trying to validate me, not them thinking about him.
I think the very best we can do is to be open and honest with our children about this aspect of their lives...this loss that is all too often unspoken and unacknowledged. And it IS a loss that they have already faced, through no fault of their, or our own.
Communication is so essential, and I love your last line about facing the pain together...amen to that!!
Melba
I think it is amazing that you are thinking about this and are willing to share and empathize with your childrens potential feelings on the matter.
ICLW
Belated Happy Birthday to Baby Bear!
A beautiful post...I did see this one blog a past ICLW where the blogger was adopted and was keen to know about her biological parents...alas, Can't recall the name.
ICLW
I think a lot of people don't know or understand the depths of adoption. I agree with Heather, our society is so conditioned that someone can only have 1 set of parents. In this world, we all need all the love we can get.
ICLW #117
It hurts me that society has this vision of a "family" and so many people see it as the only kind of family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and why limit the number of mama-slots a child has in their life? It really does take a village, people, and the more love a child feels the better. I think it's great that you're framing Bear's adoption in this way- the loss of a parent. Doesn't discredit her as bio-mom or you as mom-mom. It's nice to see when someone is comfortable in themselves.
I'm glad that people realize that the adoptee has lost a family even though they gained another one.
I was adopted through a traditional closed adoption in the
60's. I met my birth mom when I was 35 years old and my adoptive mom felt threatened- as if she must have failed some how as my mom because I wanted to have relationship w/ my birth family.
I did not search for my bio. mom, she found me. I had alot of unanswered questions and I also wanted my bio. mom to know that I'd had a good life. I'm still not sure that my adoptive mom has come to terms w/ this, but I love ALL my family members- I've also met my birth father and half sister- and I am happy for today's adoptees that they now have more info. about their birth family- in many cases any way- than I had.
Tracy
just wanted to say thanks to the comments from adoptees, it means so much to have that insight!
Has it ever occurred to you that the reason "reunions" don't go to well is because MOST adoptees realize their aparents are their parents regards less of biology? Most adoptees don't begin to look until they're in their thirties and excepting a child... there's a reason for that! Stop guilt tripping yourself, your child may not "miss/longing" for the bparents.
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