Friday, June 29, 2007
Twist of fate....
So with all the talk on ethics and adoption reform -- I have been thinking alot about it and to what extremes we should take to encourage mom's to parent. I have heard it said that unless the child is in danger that parenting is the best option and heard all other views in between. I remember having a conversation one time with someone who is near and dear to me that had a really bad childhood, and they expressed to me that they wished they had been adopted and they felt that their life would have been so much better. I started thinking of this the other day, I know that children that are adopted will grieve the life of the bio family but do children that had a bad childhood grieve or maybe a better word is fantasize about another family that would have treated and respected them better? Is it a case of the grass is always greener? I don't know just something I was thinking about....
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7 comments:
Interesting question. I've been thinking about a lot of these things lately, too. The conclusion I keep reaching on nearly every issue is that every adoption situation is different and perhaps shouldn't be broad-brushed.
Just to throw yet another angle at it...for example, my sister in law is an adoptee who is now in her mid-50's. We've talk at great length on many occasions about her adoption story. She didn't have the happiest childhood (no abuse or anything like that...but her a-mom died when she was young, her stepmom was a mess, and she never met her firstfamily)...but here's the thing, she never regrets any of it. She never had any desire to know them, no grief, no searching,....and in fact, she is rather strongly opposed to us continuing openness in our girls' adoptions (we aren't taking her advice, even though our kids WERE in danger...)because she's convinced it will just confuse them. See why I keep coming back to every scenario being different? I can also bring to mind a few other adult adoptees of closed adoptions who I know or have personally met IRL who claim they were content never to search. Whether they grieved and moved past it earlier in their lives, or didn't grieve...I don't know.
It bears more thought...again, great question. Making us think is good...
This is a good question to ponder. I agree with Mindy, there is no way to label all adoption scenarios one way. Each one is different. Our life experiences make us who we are. The good, the bad and the ugly all get tossed in and shaken up and when you pour it out, you emerge a beautiful person.
Adoption is just one piece of life. Yes, it is a large piece. I am not trying to belittle it, but it is still just one piece. Many, many other things also go in to making a childhood good, bad, abusive, content, etc.
I just don't know what to think about this question. I wish it was cut and dry, but like most things in life, it isn't! Thanks for posing the question though.
Well Chrissy.. I'd say an absolute YES to that question. Both me and my daughter Gabrielle have grieved over the dysfunction of our families. Speaking for me only, I have thought a hundred times, why did I grow in such a messed up family? Why couldn't we have been more like..such and suches family.. I have wanted things to be different for me and my family for as long as I can remember..
I agree with lizzy.. I have wondered the same things as a child. my conclusion is, everything happens for a reason and I was meant to grow up the way that I did.. I don't think if I had of, that Baby Bear would be where she's at today.. It was just meant to be...
You know, my Chels wishes in some ways that she was adopted at birth. She cannot imagine it, and cannot imagine not having known her mom, but she thinks wistfully of having been raised in a non-addicted nuclear family with a daddy. When a good friend of Chelsea's got pregnant, she gently suggested adoption....for what it's worth.
Well I'm of the mindset that we should work to keep families together, BUT in that very empowerment of women to keep their babies we are giving them more options. We are showing them that parenting is a valid option, and if they still choose to place after that, then okay. I don't think that women who want to place should be forced to parent because I don't agree with their reasons for placing. I just don't think enough women are truly being presented their options. KWIM?
I'm one of those people who sit in her therapist's office every now and again and wonder what life would have been life if I had been adopted.
I admit it. I just did it two weeks ago.
When you adopt a child it's especially hard not to think about the what-ifs. Very hard.
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