Thursday, September 23, 2010
honesty about open adoption
ok, so I am wanting to get some opinions, some REAL opinions, not really candy coated, I think its a beautiful thing stuff (unless you truely think so). I do thinkg open adoption is the best option, but I thinks so many people think that open adoption kinda "fixes" all the issues with adoption. So I am just curious what you think....
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11 comments:
I guess it would you would have to consider what issues with adoption are we talking about? I personally didn't have an open adoption my my family knew the couple and at any time they had access to information about me. I am not sure if it was given or not. That is until I found them and wrote a couple letters. They sat on my letters for two years and my daughter still didn't even know the that she had brothers out there. It doesn't do the adoptee any good to have the access if they don't get the information. Often times, I think in semi open adoptions the openness is between the adults and the child is left out of the equation. It's not that birthparents don't care about the adoptive parents but I would hope that the child would be involved. Also, when I hear about birth parents and adoptees getting together for the yearly or even biyearly visit. I have to wonder who are they doing that for. I just don't see how a relationship can be formed from such long distances.
I like to think that an open adoption even if it was just pictures a few times a year would have made it less painful to me. There is nothing worse than wondering if your child is alive or dead. Also, feeling like your must be trash if they won't even allow you a picture to see what the child looks like as they grow.
wow that just makes myheart hurt, not even a picture, that would haunt me as an adoptive mom to know that my kids moms wouldnt have a picture if they wanted. thanks so much for your comment!
I think, from an AP standpoint, that open adoption can be scary when it is perceived to threaten the parent role/label. As an adoptive parent, I know I coveted the title of Mother and there may be some that fear an open adoption threatens the title that was so very hard to obtain. That being said, if both BPs and APs have a real understanding and respect for the roles each plays in the life of the child, that open adoption fear is put into its proper perspective and doesn't become an issue. Our adoption is open and I like knowing that my daughter can have her questions answered as they naturally arise. Yes, I am protective of my title (I am human!) but it is way more important to me that she have access to all aspects of her family.
I don't think open adoption fixes all problems. In open adoptions there will sometimes be other struggles.
But I feel open adoption is good for my own healing. I love knowing she is happy, healthy, and doing well. I love that if she ever has a question she can ask me herself. That her family in many ways is my family as well. I love them. They love me. We all love her.
When I'm having a hard time they are just a phone call, text, email, or drive away. They bring me up.
I remember asking my aunt on a few different times to ask for a picture and it always came back no but I never knew if she really asked or not. Then, when I wrote, they just ignored both of my letters and the birthday card. Even though, I am in contact, as far as I know she still doesn't know. I don't think it's my place to tell her.
We are considering open adoption as well. For me, I never wanted to feel like adoption was a choice of last resort or a second choice. For the first time my husband and I had an open discussion about it and we are ready to pursue it even if we get a biological child.
If we end up going down the adoption road I would be open to an Open Adoption.
I have watched adopted friends struggle with not knowing anything about their birth family, and an internal struggle with the feeling that they don't know where they really come from.
Congrats on your pregnancy!!!
ICLW #100
Open adoption doesn't "Fix" the hard parts for us, but it helps to ease some of the questions our kids have. I like to think that it eases some of the grief the the b-moms feel. We visit often, at our home, so our lives are an open book to both of our boys b-moms. Right now, I am close to begging our oldest sons' b-mom for a visit, and she is not responding to my emails or phone calls. Fortunately for us, we still have contact with her parents and grandparents. I have no idea what our realtionships will be in the future, at some point it will have to be up to the boys (they're 8 & 4 now)
Hmm wow, big questions. The only experience personally that I have with adoption is a good friend who adopted out her son in an open adoption. For her it has been lifesaving, being able to see photos of her son and speak with the adoptive parents. She has taken her new baby with her husband to meet the child she adopted out. She had severe depression after the adoption, and being able to see that he was safe, and loved, and in an amazing family helped her so much.
I cant speak for any child of adoption, or how open adoption might affect them, but I do think open adoptions go a long way in healing birthmothers after the adoption.
thanks everyone so much, just wanting some perspective from others. I think open adoption is absolutely the best option, just curious to see some research in the future on the dynamics of it
Mama Bear
Open Adoption doesnt take away the emotions the sadness or the loss. what it does do is take away the questions. For me my Adoption (which is open and my BD is now 2) works because I can see her not as often as I want but enough for me not to be a stranger. and one day she will know that I love her always and I placed her because I wanted what was best for her and because she was loved.
Will my adoption be a happy one? Im not sure I hope so but who knows.
All I know is that I will always do whats best for my BD even if it hurts me.
Just my view
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