Monday, April 26, 2010
Not sure how to feel, or what to say...
Today is a day I am glad I have a place to come to , where I really do not know any of you in my real life and I can just express! Yesterday was my husbands 38th birthday, him and I went to a movie last night and on the way home we were talking and teasing about 40 being around the corner, and he said, I still hate that we could not have kids of our own. Hubby not being the best with words, and I know that, I just got quite, he said well you know what I mean, not our own, but bio children, out of my genes. Well I just didnt know how to feel, really, in a way I thought we were past this, in a way I felt like Me as the Woman was only suppose to grieve this (how dare him) and then I felt like I had to defend our kids, like "hey buddy, they arent enough for you?" Now I need a swift kick, so anyone out there feel free please to give it to me, because if this would have been a friend, or woman I had known that had gone through infertility, I would have reacted much different!!! So I still am puzzled and kinda left wondering today, why I reacted the way I did? any thoughts?
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12 comments:
First off, I would have had the same reaction! So don't feel bad.
As women, we are the carriers of the children and when we can't we blame ourselves even if it is a problem on the male side. We grieve more and more fully over the loss of procreative abilities. And most likely we never get over it and only manage to burry it shallowly so that it doesn't bother us daily. But when our DH's or friends and family bring it up in the wrong way, bam it is clawing its way back to the surface like a zombie on Halloween!
Infertility, the gift that keeps on giving! Giving us hell, that is :)
~Jill
I dont have any advice or wisdom. I just wanted to send my support. I think that your reaction was normal. I have a kiddo from another mother (Stepson) and my Father got all excited that this is my first kid (the one Im pregnant with). I was hurt for me and my son, he is as much mine as this baby.
I just dont think that people actually think through the thoughts before they turn them into words!
Keep up the great work on your amazing little ones!
You may have felt like it was a kick to the gut because it touches that old part of you that felt horrible for not being able to have your own children. The one thing about adoption is that though it is a great way to build a family, it also is a very arduous process, there is no intimacy, no privacy, there are so many compromises along the way, so many people to consider..... I could go on but I think you know what I mean. Still, I think it was your husband's way of saying that he loves you so much that he wished there was a smaller version of you and him. It is a kind of grief. But it must have made you feel as if he had regrets.
When we were pursuing adoption, it surprised me that it was much harder for my dh to "let go" of the bio factor than it was for me. I assumed it was harder for women since we're the ones who are pg. That might be true for some, but I think sometimes it's harder for the guy. Maybe part of the reason you felt defensive was bc you felt you were the reason? I think it's natural to assume the IF is due to the woman although of course that's not always the case. (((hugs))) I think it's great that you 2 have the kind of relationship where you can voice feelings over tough issues like this.
That would have been a kick in the gut for sure. From my perspective, I would have reacted somewhat the same, and I think it would have been more about the fact that I "think" we have had to put closure on that part of our journey and to hear he ~ my rock and strength through all this ~ was still struggling would have been hurtful, just because "why didn't we talk about this sooner?" Grief and the struggle about these kind of things seems to rear its ugly head at the times we least expect, and in ways we aren't prepared for. Walk through it... and know it's a loss you may have to grapple over again and again. I know we have had to.
I think I would have had the same reaction as you. I think as your childrens mother, you wanted to defend them...that is why you are a mama bear after all! :) Who knows, maybe deep down, you may have the same desire as your husband? Maybe his comment brought back that thought for a moment.
thanks so much everyone for you insight! it helps so much!
Sometimes I think that men feel like they need to put on all this machismo bravado for us: they're strong, they're tough, they can handle it. But they've got feelings too :) With his birthday and a day to be reflective on his life, I think his feelings, while not exactly eloquent, are perfectly natural now that you have an established family. You've achieved success, so he can let some of that guard down. I would say rather than "defending" your kids, simply remind him of all the reasons he wanted to be a father and now look at him: what a father he has become.
Wishing you well,
~Miriam (ICLW #154) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
((((hugs))))
ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
I wouldn't have had that same reaction because even if I had adopted children, knowing I've always wanted bio children, it would still be a loss that I'd be grieving for.
I think his feelings are completely justified and just because he is male doesn't mean he feels the loss of not having bio children any less than a female would.
It also doesn't mean that he loves your adopted children any less.
And as his wife, YOU are the one person to whom he can be completely honest about these feelings with.
Happy ICLW!!
#40 http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/
I am sure that most of us would react the same way - you are a mama bear and it is your role to defend your babies!
I am sure that he didnt mean it the way it sounded, and I can see where he is coming from. My children are conceived with the help of a donor, and though we love our children like nothing else, I still wish we could have had children together.
I would have reacted the same way but as you said, he didn't mean it in the way you took it. Women & men just think and react differently about things. I think he's mourning the fact that he'll never know what his and your genes will look like together. But I'm sure he doesn't regret your children one bit.
ICLW #106
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