I have been reading an adoptin forum for several years and lately there has been discussion about adoption loss and it has really got me thinking...
What if a baby was born to a mommy and a daddy and they were leaving the hospital and on the way home with their bundle of joy they were in a car wreck and both parents were killed or were injured to the point they were unable to care for their child? How would you and society in general react to this? would you see , would you understand that the child had suffered the loss of both his or her parents , their mom and dad? Even if this child had a wonderful family to go and live with and they loved him or her to pieces and this child would be their world, do you still think the child had suffered the lose of their family of their mom and dad?
Well guess what both of my children suffered this loss, my son, was carried by his mom nine months and then lost her, went to foster care and then to me a complete and total stranger, he LOST his mommy. My daughter even though she knows her birth mom to the best of her ability, she went home with me , she lost her mommy that day and both lost their dads also and will probably never even know their history on that side. Adoption in some shape or form always begins with loss, on all sides, and I think it is rarely if ever acknowledged because baby got a mommy and daddy and the childless couple got a child, so it is all so happy and wonderful and shhhhhhh, lets don't even say it might be sad, ??? I don't by no means walk around and think about this all the time , what I do is I acknowledge it! I acknowledge that both of my children had a loss, that's it , plain and simple, and I think in general that what most people want is for you to acknowledge their truth.
and I truly believe at my core that because I do , that both my children will be able to discuss with me what they feel and we can deal with it if and when it comes.
Right now , I'm just a mom with two great kids that leads an extremely normal wonderful life and I love it, and I have a place in my heart and my head for all the beauties and sorrows that come with the way I became a mom and that is adoption.
12 comments:
I think it's great that you are keeping this in mind. I don't go to adoption forums, because it's like poison to me. It just wasn't a healthy place for me.
thanks for reading and i can understand why you stay away, but i love having the birthmoms on there,we only have a few left but i have learned so much from them! but they quite often take breaks and back away for awhile, and they have a forum just for them and for th most part it is well repsected by the pre adopt and adoptive parents
Well said! I will never forget the saddest and yet happiest day of my life- the day I left the hospital with my sweet baby girl. The sadness for me did not end for quite awhile, I kept thinking of her birthmom and how she had to leave that hospital with her. Every time my baby girl cried that day, I cried too...cause I just knew somewhere in her little world, she was searching for that comforting familiar voice she had known for nine months. Adoption is a blessing and I am so thankful for it in my life, but it comes with a sharp edge as well, for ALL involved. Thanks for your viewpoint! Bev
Yup, yup, yup... totally agree with you here. That's a great analogy with the car accident. I'm not sure why it's so hard to understand... maybe it's just easier not to deal with it for some. ??? *sigh*
Very good post--and your scenario does help put that loss into perspective for those who want to downplay or ignore the loss faced by every single adopted child. The good news is that more and more people are beginning to see and understand this aspect of adoption. If those of us who can do choose to continue to advocate for our own children, as well as all adopted children, I feel we can make a difference.
Melba
Loss is for sure a huge part of adoption, no matter how open or how early it takes place. Loss is also a part of life--every single person experiences it at some point. In some ways, that should connect us each to one another. We should have compassion and empathy for those who have lost, but I do believe that our lives were not meant to dwell on the sadness of those losses incessantly. We move forward, one day at a time, and even if sometimes it feels as if we're moving backward--we keep loving, sharing, supporting and put one foot in front of the other. We do the very best we can.
I agree Nicole, and we for sure do not dwell on it or even talk about it with the kids, or with anyone, I just am knowing that it is there, loss is hard and everyone has it but I think loss is esp. hard when it is not really considered a loss by others. kinda like infertility, my losses really were not real or forgotten because I adopted, but it still happened it is still real, and it still surprises me the people in my real life that will argue with me that my kids have not suffered a loss. so sure everyone has losses and it so helps when it is acknowledged by others that their loss is real.
as an adult adoptee, closed adoption at 12 days, i would caution you not to place these feelings on your children. i am not saying this in a mean way, just pointing out that all adopted children do not feel this way or having wildly varying degrees of these feelings. i do think that it is wonderful you are willing to acknowledge that these feelings might arise, this will serve your children well.
hope that i have not offended you, that was not my intention.
ilcw
hey Jaymee, no way have you offended me at all, ai agree, I wiil never push my kids to feel a certain , way, just want to accept however they do feel, and it is so comforting to hear from an adoptee, thanks for stoping by! maybe I will do a re-post and talk some more about this and the difference and just being open and acknowledging something vs. dwelling or telling someone how to feel.
I think it's wonderful that you are able to look at it from that perspective. Honestly, I had never really thought about it that way. I considered the loss the birth parents might feel, but never really thought about children coming available for adoption through other than voluntary means (parents lost in a car crash certainly isn't voluntary!).
Thank you for helping me look at it in another way. :)
i as a birth mother felt this way. My very first night home with out her was the worst it could of ever been> i can live that moment over and over it was my very first real break down. I was sitting on the couch and i just started sobbing because I was afraid that she was scared. that she didnt know her parents, that she would be looking for my voice and didnt know theirs. in a quick text they informed me that she was great and happy and perfect. I couldnt of asked for better parents for my angel than them. i thank god every single day for them.
Great post! I'm so glad I came across your blog. I must admit that sometimes I find myself thinking so positively about our open adoption situation that I rarely think about the "what ifs" and loss that my daughter may feel someday. I just hope that she is able to understand my decision and communicate her feelings about it openly. There are always going to be "what ifs" in adoption and in life, so we can only do the best we can along the journey. Keep on posting, I'm looking forward to reading more!
Amy
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