Saturday, November 21, 2009
Titles
Today I am thinking about titles, I know in the adoption world titles are important, like, adoptive mom, birth, first, natural mom, expectant mom, etc. and the list goes on and on. But I was thinking about titles and who gets to make these rules? I know some moms that have parented their kids and done a horrible job and really screwed their kids up , yet they are called Mom, but I know some moms who made a choice to let someone else parent their child ( a decision not made lightly and for sure out of love) yet we take the title of mom away from them? ok so lets take it a step further and go to the birth grandparents, some people think it is crazy if I "let" my kids call their birthgrandparents grandma_____ but my husbands step father that didnt even raise him and see my kids very little- well then it is perfectly fine for him to be paw paw ______ ? just thinking how this is confusing to me. And then my kids have people in my family they call Aunt because they are closer to my kids but may really just be their cousin, so do we go by how close we are, do we go by blood, because biologically speaking no one in my family is related to my kids? I think we just try to go by who is close to us in my family and maybe go from there. But I will say this, in the past 3 years, baby bears birthmom and birth gmother, have not forgotten one birthday or holiday (including mothers and fathers day) and have made a really big effort to be a part of both of my childrens lives in a positive way and regardless of title that is something I am very thankful for!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Interesting post!
I think you absolutely go by how close the people are to you, and to your children! There are some of my very close friends who Charlie calls "Auntie ________" because they see him a lot, and they make an effort to be a part of his life.
There ARE a lot of "rules," and I too wonder who got to make them up! But to me, adoption is a perfect case in point for the saying, "rules are meant to be broken."
I say keep on doing what you're doing, and what works for your family and your kids!
Melba
Great question. I think that if someone is like family, regardless, they deserve a special family name. And family is not just by blood or marriage--as you well know!
Happy ICLW!
Here via ICLW.
You're right that titles are such a tricky subject. While my children are not adopted, I still struggle with my boys calling my mother and my husband's mother grandmother. To me, my mom is in their daily lives. She loves them, dotes on them, and makes their faces light up simply by entering a room. To me she is a grandmother. On the other hand, my husband's mother lives in the same city that we do, but we have only seen her a handful of times in my boys' entire lives! On those rare occasions she does grace us with her presence, she wants them to call her grandma, but the boys don't want to...and well, you can guess how fun that gets. Sigh. I guess that was my long winded way of saying I hear what you are saying.
The relationship with baby bear's birth mom and grandmother sounds very special.
It IS confusing. My MIL has a partner, but they don't identify as lesbian, just as best-friends who share a life and a room together. They asserted from the get go that they are The Nanas. I love her partner and am really glad they're together, but it struck me as odd that they would be grandparents together when they don't even acknowledge their relationship to one another. I don't know... I guess it's how someone perceives themselves in the end, and not how WE see them. They are The Nanas, not Nana and Sharon.
Re: mothers, is it really up to us to say? I would not draw a distinction between birth-mother, mother, good mother, or bad mother: they are all Mother to me. But maybe that's just me??
Being bilingual, I've noticed how complicated the English language is when it comes to relations and titles. In Thai, blood doesn't matter, and age is the key factor. Siblings, cousins, friends and strangers with a small age difference share the same titles.
The people who raised you are automatically your mother/father, unless you were raised by a relative (and then you call them by that).
Your parents' friends and siblings and anyone with a significant age difference to yourself are known as aunt/uncle, and your grandparents are named according to what side of the family they came from.
Sorry for the super-long comment (I found your blog through ICLW), but I found it interesting to see how titles get so muddled up in different languages.
ICLW - You make a good point. I've known my dad my whole life and it gave the greatest pleasure to have one of my male friends "give" me away at my wedding. He'd really been there for me when I needed it, not my dad.
It's special baby's bear birth family are so involved.
It's a tough question 'titles' !
hi, I am visiting from ICLW...No. 188 to say hello and to check out your blog.
My Little Drummer Boys
You raise some interesting questions. I was once in the position of deciding whether I wanted to keep my baby or not. And I looked into open adoptions. In the end, I decided to raise him myself, but I was fortunate that I was in my late twenties and had a good paying job. Even luckier that I met my husband who adopted my son five and a half years later.
Stopping by from ICLW
That is so awesome to be involved in an open adoption. I always thought a couple would have to be the best parents of all time to consider such an adoption. Kudos to you! You must have an extraordinary amount of love and kindness in your hearts. You is good people :)
ICLW
It can be confusing, but I think most kids take it in their stride. I was never confused by having neibours who weren't related to us, but who I called aunt & uncle. And now I'm 'auntie' to several friends' and cousins' kids. What's improtant is that kids have lots of people who love them, regardless of who they are.
I'm just hoping we luck out & end up with the same kind of open adoption you have for Baby Bear.
We recently adopted our son thru an open adoption and these are definitely issues I think a lot about too. We have a great relationship with our son's birthfamily but we are still trying to figure put what everyone wants to be called, and I do think titles matter! Also as an only child, I have close cousins and friends who I want to call his aunts and uncles, but I also don't want to dillute in any way the honor of my husband's siblings having those titles. So yeah--it's complicated, and definitely something I'm still figuring out!
Post a Comment