Friday, July 10, 2009
Primal Wound
So as my daughter gets older I am forced more and more on how to deal with the way I approach her with her adoption story. She is an amazing kid and has thrown me for a few loops lately with her responses to things and has gotten me looking into books and theories on adoption and the effects of adoption and how to explain certain things to children. One book or theory I am thinking about reading is Primal Wound by: Nancy verrier. Ill be honest I used to think this theory was interesting but of course did not apply to my kids, but after reading I am starting to agree more and more with things and coming to terms with the side of adoption that is not so cherry and deciding for my self all this is really OK. It is hard to think you child will hurt or have grief for anything or ever feel a loss, which I think makes this theory hard to swallow, but my denying these things I am starting to think will be more harmful to my children in the long run. So I am opening my self up to a lot more and was just curious if anyone had read this book or has an opinion about this topic.
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8 comments:
I haven't read the book, but I will at some point. I think that as adoptive parents, we have to be completely open to the things our children are thinking and feeling at each stage of their development. I recently read "20 Things Adoptive Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and I felt similarly about that book. It was a hard one to read, for the simple fact that it made me have to acknowledge the pain Charlie will face as he grows up...and the pain he had already suffered that I had nothing to do with. I think it just is what it is. Pain is present in adoption, and the more we acknowledge that and are willing to talk about it with out children, the healthier they will be.
Good luck...I know these are tough topics!
Melba
I have not read it, but am interested...Ty is only a month old and I already wonder about all the questions...what I'll say...how much I want him to know from the beginning...
It's a daunting task. I'm glad I have some time to process it all!
I'm always up for talking about it over email. :)
(My email is in my profile.)
You know, I just saw that book on a reading list and am thinking I need to read it. If I remember right, our kids are the same ages (I am commenting for Grown in My Heart, but also blog/comment at www.gotchababy.com)
In my family, there are two formal adoptions (an uncle and a cousin) and one informal (me). From my experience, and that of my family, being as open to the potentially bad side of adoptive life as the good is an important part of wholeness. My grandparents and aunt and uncle who adopted chose to ignore the questions and pain of their adopted children. This has led to unnecessary challenges, misunderstanding, and hurt. It's scary to face that side of things, but I am impressed that you are taking the step to learn about what may come.
I don't know the book that you're talking about, but in my experience, honestly facing our pain and not turning a blind eye is definitely a healthier way to parent. Could have saved me a lot in therapy bills. :)
My son is 2 and I know that I have to start saying things to him soon. I need to read some books to help me. I read Adoptive Families Magazine and it helps me.
I agree with Melba our adopted son is 16yrs and has a lot of unanswered questions (ones we can't answer) and grief.
WE always talked to him about being adopted from the start ...that he grew in another mom's tummy to start with (family members were pregnant)that we were chosen to be his family.
Then as he got older we expanded with the particular details in his situation. He is the youngest of many siblings some adopted some with other fathers.
We have a few letters to give him when he turns 18 and then he can search for more answers maybe if he choses.
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