Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Lying or just leaving out details?
So I have had this thing since I have adopted my children that I feel the need to tell others and not take credit for "having" my children. Not sure what it is with me, maybe like I am disrespecting their other moms or I want to be honest or I am not sure but I decided that I also do not want to subject my kids to the ignorant remarks that come back and I want to respect my children's privacy of their own story and be able to be in charge of who knows and who does not. This actually is very hard for me to do - VERY! As a matter of fact I was sure I was not gonna be able to stop -but recently in the past two weeks I have chosen not to share in two different conversations that I normally would have before. I was at the dentist and I was talking about brother bear and me and another mom where sharing pics and comparing notes and sharing birth weights and current weight - well before I always felt the need to share I did not actually birth him but this time I didn't' I just shared how much he weighed and left it at that. Well the next time I kinda felt like I was a big fat Lie! we were at Wal-mart and we always have stalkers talking to Brother Bear - usually older women, he is so chubby I think he attracts attention and these two ladies that had been following us ended up behind us in the check out line and he was in the front of the buggy with me unloading, and they are talking to him and keep asking "where did you get those brown eyes from"? so I try to ignore but they keep asking then looking at me and they wanted an answer - they were probably about 75 ish in age - so I just said oh he got them from his daddy - he looks just like him, and they were like yeah we could tell it wasn't from his mommy! (actually we are told his birth mom has brown eyes) me I have green eyes, blonde hair. so anyway, sure they never gave it a second thought and brother bear well he had no clue but for me I have thought about it so much- did I say the right thing - either way I go I always wonder if I say the right thing, if I am honoring the right person, and most of all am I being honest? well thanks for listening ..
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7 comments:
I don't think not sharing certain info constitutes as lying at least not every time anyhow, LOL. The first example you gave I don't think that is lying AT ALL - you both were sharing birth weight and current weight - factual info and the fact that you adopted him really has nothing to do with his birth weight and current weight. It would be totally optional to share in that instance I think. In the second one, well that's a little more "grey" area but maybe his (bio) dad does have brown eyes? Unless you know for certain he doesn't look at all like his bio dad, then I don't think it was a lie. I can see that it probably will take some "creativity" to answer certain people in a way that's not lying BUT not giving out personal info to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that you meet along the way. Like you said, if your children choose to tell the world then that's fine but I think that's wise of you to leave that up to them especially when you're talking about strangers at Walmart.
I think I'd be inclined to say something silly like "ooh, we ordered brown eyes specially" - not really stating up front that he's adopted but not answering their question unless they ask outright "does his dad have brown eyes?"
I have done the same...I just don't feel like everyone needs to know my girl's story...if they are close friends, or family - they most likely already know...but just a random person in an office or Walmart...they don't need to know. I usually just say that Hannah looks like her daddy (no lie -cause she truly looks like her birthfather and strangely enough my husband and he resemble each other A LOT!) Don't feel badly for not sharing the intimate details! We don't blab about all the other personal things in our lives, why should our children's birth be any different!! Hugs to you!!
You do it for the same reasons when people see pics of Baby Bear and ask me "is that your child", I simply answer "no, that's my niece".. It is just easier that way and I don't feel the need to tell every person about Baby Bear. It's ok to pick and chose who you tell.. no harm in that at all...
I feel as a Birthmother I am faced with am I lying or just not telling details too. When someone asks me how many kids I have. I always say two, but sometimes it just feels wrong, but I can't see what I am to get from telling everyone. The one that hurts the most is when people ask do I have a daughter or how about the neighbor lady who because he little girl was being cute and funny.. said this is why you didn't have girls. I wanted to come over the fence and say I had a girl and I would love your girl for being silly. Don't take her for granted. Instead, I just got a little depressed.
I have the same problem. I never know when to say Ukulele is adopted or just keep it zipped. The other day we were all in a store and the check-out lady asked where Ukulele got her cheeks from (they are rather round!)... I just froze, and GatorMan responded "from her mom." He later said he wanted to say "the mailman" just to see her response. It's always easier if both of us are not there to say her *insert trait* came from the other parent. But when both of us are there, it's a little more difficult. We're still working on a way to deal with those questions.
Sam
I have found myself sharing less and less as my boys get older. I too felt like I owed it to EVERYONE to know the whole story, but I have found it's just not necessary. I have finally realized that in a way I was trying to see what people's reaction was and now I just don't want to know. I've seen EVERY reaction known to man and that's enough.
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