Sunday, September 7, 2008
Why do I feel the need to share?
I wonder why I feel the need to share with others my children are adopted? Seriously, it seems I will make it come up in conversation. I always say, unless it needs to be told I will keep their stories to myself, but I swear I think it is a mental thing with me - almost as if I have to or something. Like maybe I feel guilty for taking credit for my children and I have to acknowlede there were others involved. Like for example baby bear just started preschool, well I felt the need to put under the part "any addition info about your child.." that she and her brother were adopted---- for real did I really do that--- It is Sunday and I am just reflecting the week and thinking about this-- I did it yesterday too, at family dayat my husbands work-- you know the conversation is always like this - Oh how far apart are they? was it planned that way? and I do good and about 5 minutes in to it- I break and start in to the story-- I really want to stop this for their sake------ I really do think it has something to do with my insecurites---- what do you think?
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Do you do it from pride? I am so proud of the fact that I'm adopting, now, pre-baby, I can't imagine it changing when the baby actually comes. There's such little adoption knowledge out there, I love telling people our story, hoping it will expand their hearts.
I found myself doing the same thing until a few months ago. I just stopped. It is hard though, because I don't want to deny part of who they are, but I also have to stop making it a focus
I've thought a lot about how I will be in this area when I'm finally a mom...I don't honestly know.
Maybe because adoption is such an interwoven part of their story, and how they came to you that it's hard to not acknowledge that fact? I personally think as long as you make it positive (which I'm sure you do!) then it's OK to talk about it now while they're young...?
I can imagine this being tough later. Right now my brain is all adoption all the time, and I'm free to discuss it when and how I like. Later it will be my future children's story to tell more than it is mine though, and I think that's a tough switch for anyone!
I do bring it up in conversation sometimes and part of it, I think, is that many people have negative stereotypes of adoption. We have an open relationship with Asher's birthparents like you have with Goldilocks...and people don't "get" that. We are not one of those terrible Lifetime dramas on TV...we are just REAL people living an open adoption. I think part of the reason I do it is to educate people about the misconceptions. That being said, I don't want my child to feel like I'm using him as a teaching tool to every person at Wal-Mart...I think there are appropriate times/settings for it to "come up" in conversation...especially when other moms are discussing pregnancy related things, It's not like you're going to hide the fact...and just like they are sharing the "details" of their lives, the "details" of your child's existence include adoption, so it seems natural to bring up.
Maybe it is because you are such an honest person and that if you didn't talk about it with others you would feel as though you were somehow being dishonest about your children.
This is also what I tend to wonder about sometimes. If I will be able to talk about my children and not always have to tell others their story of how they came to me. Just to let them be mine and not label them. Of course I will never hide the fact that they are adopted but does it really have to be part of every conversation about them? But at the same time, it is so hard for me to lie or give the perception of a lie that I think it will come into many conversations. Also like Rebekah says, it may also be a sense of pride and showing others that adoption is not a scary, secretive thing to keep quiet about.
I think- no I KNOW I am going to do this, too. I am such a talker and I tend to say too much all the time. Even now, for no reason I will just pop out with "we're waiting to adopt." I know part of it for me will be not wanting to "pretend" otherwise, but I do think that need will gradually fade away with time.
Interesting post... I have felt the same way! It's like, if I DON'T say something, then I feel like I am "lying" or I am not acknowledging her bio family. But then if I DO say something, then I'm totally taking over my daughter's story and crossing a line of respect for her.
The worst (in the beginning at least... this one has gotten better maybe b/c I get a lot of practice on it) is when people say "Oh, how cute/sweet/pretty she is!" I feel dumb saying "Thank you" because I TOTALLY had nothing to do with it!!! But then if I don't, what kind of mother do I look like?! So I've taken to saying "to" DD "Say, thank you!"... as if she can talk at 9 months, LOL!
Ugh!! No advice, just that you aren't alone in this struggle!
I find that I share our adoption story way more often than I intend to as well. I don't know how to stop. I am afraid if I don't share it, I am in some way lying. However, people don't need to know...I am so proud of daughter and I love sharing the positives of adoption that I do it ALL. TO. OFTEN.
Now, if I stop will my girls think that I am not honoring Princess' adoption? I just don't know?!?! It is all so confusing sometimes.
I think I would feel proud too. But I know it is not considered a good idea to share background information (e.g. about birth mother and her situation, if your child came from a bad situation anything that happened to them) as that is really their own information to share if and when they want to.
(IComLeavWe visitor here)
Hi from ICLW-- I do this as a stepmom. I can't explain, but I feel like I need to tell people that i am a step mom...as to not a) take advantage of the good relationship I do have with them and b) not to push them into a better relationship with me and c) not to discount the other people who may be important in their lives. I hope someday they see me just as mom.
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