SO Goldilocks was here last week (baby bears birthmom) and she got to meet brother bear (our latest addition to the bear family). We had a really great visit - she is awesome and our time togheter , well I value that. So what I am about to say may not make sense to some----- I have 2 children through adoption - one is very open and one is very closed (by choice of birthmom) I may never even get to meet brother bears birthmom - he may never either and we have NO info on his birthfather. I am sad for him because of this. But in a very selfish way - it is easy--- I know I know and believe me I feel guilty for feeling this way but it has been so easy having him in our family. I have not felt the guilt and utter saddness in my bones like I did with baby bear, I so felt Goldilocks' pain and sometimes felt like I had taken something that was not mine and that I should not have -- but with my son, he was already available for adoption when we were contacted, so he was going to be adopted, by me or someone, he needed a home and family - he was without one. I kinda almost feel like I have done something good - yeah thats right and it feels good to feel good about it! I think so many times in the adoption world we are so worried about doing what is right ( and we should) but sometimes the adoptive moms become the heavy and carry alot of guilt and responsibility that we may or may not should have to carry. Anyway it just feels so different, the two adoptions, for me.
I guess both have their issues and I know that the open is more healthy and will be better for my child, and I love being able to give that to her and it does make me sad for my son but for now it is easy - good , bad - whatever - it is still easier now! So if anyone wants to flame me go ahead - I just thought I would be honest, so many people have asked... thought I would add a few pics from last week! WE miss you Goldilocks!
Goldilocks and baby bear
Goldilocks and brother bear
13 comments:
Glad to hear you had a great visit. I completely understand what you are saying. I very much worry about the level of openness with our next adoption. I think it is completely normal to have these feelings and I'm glad that you are sharing them. I know I as an adoptive mom am very guilty of trying to make everything perfect - and sometimes that just doesn't happen. I'm thinking of you and just remember your two little ones are going to grow up in a wonderful home and you and your husband will do raising both of them! No two kiddos are a like and each will have their own ups and downs - just be there to hold their hands and you'll be fine. Best wishes.
Thank you for your honesty! I appreciate it so much!
Man I TOTALLY get what you are saying.
I've got a lot on my mind too since brother arrived, I just can't put it out there yet
I love your honesty. I am still waiting on my own little bears, but how you feel is how I feel, only just about people that don't yet have identities! Thank you for being brave enough to voice your feelings!
I respect you in so many ways. Please don't ever feel that you should carry a heavy load about having baby bear. She is meant to be with the Bear family. I stand by that and I always will.
You make her life complete and I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel each and every time I see you two together!
I totally get it. Open adoption is hard - even in the best of circumstances. Sometimes it is such a struggle.
Thanks for your honesty and congratulations again.
Beverly @Happy In The Moment
Brother Bear sure is sweet, I love all the pics you've posted! Even though I haven't adopted yet, I can understand what you are feeling.
I can already see that some of the guilt/pressure/burden of the sadness aspect of adoption belongs to us as the women involved. It is only natural that we would be the ones to get really attached to the birth mom, and therefore experience her pain as some of our own.
I think the simplicity of a closed adoption is probably really apparent right now while he is a baby, but it may become less so as he grows and begins to develop his own questions about where he came from. I think it's like you already said...there are pros and cons that go along with both types of adoption. Most people only have one type of adoption to learn and understand, while you have both. That's bound to be challenging and rewarding all at the same time.
No matter what, I personally think honesty is the best policy. I appreciate the fact you are able/willing to put these feelings out here. The more we each put ourselves on the line, the more we can relate to one another and tell a larger, collective truth of adoption and, despite the ups and downs, how fundamentally wonderful this method of building a family truly is.
Congratulations again on your new little man!!
Melba
Think you for being so honest...we do not have children yet, but these are the same thoughts that have been going through my mind, I can see benefits of both open and closed adoption and I can even see the guilt that might come from both.
Love the pics and it looked like everyone had an awesome time!
We get it. No offense here! I have very conflicting emotions on open vs. closed adoption and am anxious to see how ours will play out. I so appreciate your heart and your writing. It helps me sort out my own thoughts! Thank you!
I can totally see that. It's like it's easier on the emotions, the transition, everything up front, but on the other hand, you know how much you really love and value and treasure what you have with Goldilocks, so in the LONG run, you'd really prefer that, even if it's not always "easy." I hope one day Brother Bear's bio mom comes around, for his sake. But in the meantime, I'm so glad you all are happy and transitioning well as a family of four. :)
Thanks for the comment on Wordless Wednesday! Hope things are going well with your newest addition!
Beverly
Life can't ever be so black and white really, we'd get bored I imagine. It is interesting to hear (read) that side of things and to some extent, it is intuitive as well.
They are all adorable though, and I hope brother gets better!
Hello from ICLW.
Thank you for this post. It helps me settle some stuff in my head.
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